Bottle Club--do we gotta pop bottles?

Do we even need to bring a bottle? What if we brought a box?

Now, everyone knows I'm all about Baltimore. In fact, I'd love to move back to "the greatest city in America." Me and Baltimore are like two edamames in a pod. So of course when the BGP heard there was an actual bottle club in the basement of the Belvedere (think "The 13th Floor" at the Belvedere), we had to go.

Let me preface this by saying I've gotten into some ridiculous trouble in Baltimore, and this weekend was no exception. Marielle and Demetra headed down with me for a nice fall weekend in the city that bleeds. Of course they wanted to hit up the bottle club too. Everyone knows poppin' bottles in Bmore is pretty much synonymous with pure awesomeness.

Bring your own bottle? Check! Got the Absolut tucked away ready to go. But we thought we'd take it to a whole other level...boxed wine. You got it, wine in a box, not in a bottle, at the bottle club. Now this may have seemed like a wise idea at the time (I mean you can get two bottles in a box with a handle--sweet!) but in reality, it doesn't really make much sense to carry around a box of liquid all evening. Whatever.

So, we head to XS for dinner (probably the single best restaurant in Baltimore, and that's saying a lot--we all know Baltimore's got great eats). After dinner, we head over to Red Maple to start the night off. Unfortunately, not much doing there, so we head to the 13th floor. Now, they wouldn't let us carry our box in (are you kidding? they made us check that box of wine at the door! The bouncer sure was amused). Sitting at the bar, we notice the crowd is a little more colorful than usual--on initial examination, we figured it was nearing Halloween, and it made sense that people were a little flamboyant. On second thought, that "lady" with the long white wig, linebacker shoulders, Cruella nails, and dark eyeliner wasn't a lady at all (yeah, we thought she was dressed up for a Halloween party)--"she" was definitely a "he"--and a very tall he at that.

We cracked up when "he" went into the ladies' restroom--was he going to whip it out like nobody noticed he had a little extra down there?

Ok. We'd had enough of 13th Floor by that point (seriously, when did that place go south???) so we picked up our box and headed downstairs. Its time for BOTTLE CLUB.

Now, let me preface this by saying that there used to be this really chill Russian Bar in the basement of the Belvedere--like legit Russian bar with real Russians. I actually think it may have been a Russian mob hangout spot. Well, chill Russian bar was apparently having a "ladies night"--to Marielle this meant "cheap drinks for the ladies." To Baltimore, it meant "all you really boyish ladies who like other ladies (and not boyz) please come down." (I think Marielle thought they were dudes, which makes sense why she wouldn't realize that it was lesbian pride night).

Ok, so we head on in to go to Bottle Club, and it's already looking pretty ghetto. The guy at the door basically pats us down (note: don't ever go to a club that pats you down--you know it's gonna be ghetto if they check your pockets and feel around your ankles for a pistol strapped to your leg). We head down the stairs, very dark stairs, and the chick at the entrance just looks at us. Do I have something on my face? Am I glowing? Cuz you're looking at my like I'm an alien. Jeez! "$10 dolla." Me: "Wait, what? 10$ cover for a place where I can't even buy a drink and the DJ is really a 1G iPod?" NO THANKS.

Bottle Club, you really disappoint me. We walk back up. Hang out with the bouncers for Russian Bar lesbian night. Bouncers: "YOU girls were going to bottle club? YOU BROUGHT A BOX OF WINE???"

Hell yes we brought a box of wine. Bottle Club is ridiculous on principle. Why not take it to another level with a box of wine.

Monday morning, Bottle Club is in the Sun!

http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/baltimore_cit/bal-md.ci.club14may14,0,1908889.story

Maybe it's a good thing we didn't stay too long?